


The Inner Machinations Are An Enigma

by MetaDash



Category: Bleach
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 16:34:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9450467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MetaDash/pseuds/MetaDash
Summary: Yachiru is invited to give a presentation at the academy, but she takes it a step further by bringing her club members and launching into an...interesting show about the Shinigami Women's Association. References events from SWA but reading it is not required. Crack, you have been warned. One-shot.





	

"Class, settle down! Before we move into today's lesson, I must remind you – we have a special presentation from one of the Gotei's Vice-Captains!"

Attendance at the Shun'o Academy had never been a more pressing issue for the upcoming Shinigami of today, as a war from a few years prior had threatened the safety and survival of all souls, across each world. After all, the Gotei needed the best and brightest after who they had lost. In the crowd…

"Toko-chan, don't yawn! It's rude!"

"Geez, Tanabe, I'm just tired. And now, we probably have to listen to someone prattle on and on about paperwork or something boring. I'm taking a nap…."

But both students perked up when they heard a crash from outside the door.

"U-Uh…..?" their teacher walked over to the door and slid it open, alerting the class to the commotion in the hall.

"President, why did you enter like that?!"

"It's the wrong window!"

"Ohhh! Sorry! Just get ready, girls!"

The voice was obviously Yachiru Kusajishi, the young 11th Division Vice-Captain and the head of the (now) biggest club in the Seireitei, a women social club – the SWA.

XXXXX

Ten seconds later, Yachiru crashed through one of the windows in the back, accidentally knocking out the student sitting by it.

"V-Vice Captain Kusajishi…?! Why did you…"

But the small girl ignored the teacher, putting on some sunglasses and jumping from each row of seats, landing on the bottom, near the board.

"Hello everyone! Are you ready…." Yachiru removed the shades. "….to feel the defeat?!"

Silence.

"The line is _feel the heat_!" came the irritated voice of Nanao Ise, vice-president. "This is no time for malpropers, Yachiru!"

"Got it! Let me try it again!"

"N-No, you don't have to-" but the teacher was ignored again, as she ran out of the window and crashed through another window, this time waking up a sleeping girl. Yachiru repeated her action, and this time said:

"Are you ready to feel the heat?!"

"You didn't put the sunglasses back on," came the quiet voice of Nemu Kusamiya.

"…..oh. Got it!"

"NO PLEASE DON'T!-

 **SMASH** went the fourth window, and this time Yachiru followed both cues correctly. She then pointed to the door, where Kiyone Kotetsu slid across the floor with what appeared to be a boombox in hand. She pressed the play button.

_"My little pony, my little pony~!"_

"CUT!" Nanao stepped into the room, patience gone. "You were supposed to change the theme song!"

"Ooops! I think it's track two!" Kiyone clicked the next button, only to play a very loud and aggressive metal song. Panicking, she kept switching through the songs, passing through a song about pineapples, one instrumental song with sitars, and a Chappy the Rabbit tribute composition. Soon, the sound became garbled.

"It's track 28 Blondie!"

"W-Why did you set it all the way there? And I think this thing is busted now!"

So Yachiru quickly turned it off. Okay, she couldn't find the off button, so she threw it through the fifth window, not missing a beat.

"Sorry about that! We had this whole special intro and everything!"

"Um, Vice-Captain, you didn't mention this being a group project…."

"Well duh! I can't do this by myself! Sooooooo…..are you guys ready for! The! DRUM ROLL!"

Silence.

"….we forgot the drums, didn't we?" Nanao facepalmed.

Then Rangiku Matsumoto slid in, striking a pose that made her breasts jiggle. "The SWA Super Special Premere Serial!"

"I thought it was the SWA _Secret_ Special Premiere Serial?" Kiyone asked.

"No, it's the SWA Secret Super Special Operation Mega-President, did you really have to make this title over 20 words long?"

Yachiru stared at them. "Don't you eat serial?"

Collective face-vaults, including the class.

XXXXXX

Eventually the presentation was ready to begin, with Nanao using a pointer at a neat little chart and stand that Nemu had set up a projector to look at.

"The SWA formally stands for the Shinigami Women's Association, and it was created by Yachiru many years ago."

"All you need are two things! One!" Rangiku held up a card with a giant smiley face on it. "You have to be a nice person! Kind, friendly….no grouches! And if you are, we'll whip you into shape!"

"Not literally, of course," Nanao hurried to say, but she balked when Kiyone was holding an _actual_ whip and mouthing "I thought that was part of the script".

"And Two! You have to be a girl!" Yachiru held up a card with a giant female gender symbol. "Although, it's like Nan-Nan says – gender isn't britney."

"What does that mean?" a boy asked.

"It's _binary._ The word is _binary."_

"Like the thing with the 0s and 1s?" Kiyone asked, trying to be helpful.

"That's binary _code_ ," Nemu explained. "In this context, binary applies to a system of two choices. Nanao-san is referring to a spectrum."

"Ah ha! Like the thing with the waves!" Rangiku chimed in.

"Wrong spectrum."

Nanao cleared her throat and clicked to the next slide. "Our club focuses on the social betterment of female Shinigami. Those shy, or unable to make a friend as they start off as members of the Gotei….can find a welcoming home here. Observe this example."

She pointed to the door, but there was a clear reluctance in the next person to come in.

"Do….do I really have to do this?"

Yachiru made a face. "We practiced this, Peaches!"

"Hahahaha, you're not g-going to break another window?" asked the teacher nervously, but she nearly fainted when she saw one Momo Hinamori step into the room, clearly uncomfortable.

In perhaps one of the most ridiculous outfits Yachiru ever produced, Momo was dressed as a Japanese schoolgirl, complete with a very short skirt and her chocolate-colored hair adorned in two pigtails.

"Say the line!"

Momo fidgeted, turning red. "O-Oh no, I'm so alone….if only I had a friend…."

"If only she had a friend!" Yachiru repeated, picking up a microphone from somewhere. "But look over there! We have her senpai!"

Now the whole class had their eyeballs bulging. Retsu Unohana, the serene healer captain of the 4th, was dressed like a stereotypical Japanese delinquent, complete with a wooden sword, open hair, and a cap.

"Hinamori-kun," she said in what was _too_ convincing of a gruff senpai voice, "you look lost. Do you need me to help you?"

"Ahhh! Senpai noticed me!" Momo gasped and clutched her head. Nanao and Rangiku had argued for three hours on whether or not that line got in. "Y-Yes, in fact…I wish I had a friend at this new school!"

"She means the Gotei," Kiyone chimed in, explaining the obvious.

"I….don't understand, this is not the usual Gotei environment…."

"That's right!" Yachiru threw a fake sword to Momo. "You and your senpai must go and fight some Hollows!"

"What? In that skirt?" Retsu scowled, and there were at least 10 students that wet themselves from that alone. "No. Kouhai must dress appropriately! I will give her tips!"

"Ah, you would do that? My girlfriend wants me to look cute, but I want to look smart!"

Nemu, confused, was flipping through the script. She had edited the final version! Who was putting in their last minute revisions?

"G-Girlfriend….?"

"Glad you reminded me, teacher lady! Remember girls, if you like boobies or sniffing another girl, that's okay with us!"

"What about eating, Yachiru?" Rangiku asked mischievously, feeling cheeky, and because she wanted to get Nanao mad.

"You can eat anything you want! Even candy!"

"Is it sweet?"

"It's SUPER sweet! Especially if you just drag your tongue and-"

"ENOUGH! SENPAI, STOP THEM." Nanao shouted, and Retsu hit both of the girls heads with her sword. She ordered Yachiru to move along to the next part, but the class wasn't paying attention. Instead they had seen Rukia Kuchiki, in her grotesquely goofy "Hollow outfit", run in.

"Argh! I am teh Hollow! Fear me, mortals, and give me candy! All your base are belong to us!"

Nemu sighed. Page 25 had everyone's handwriting written all over it, and Rukia had been in the Living World enough to know what the may-mays were.

XXXXX

"So now…." Yachiru gestured, and one glare from Retsu Senpai Unohana had forced the boys to run out of the room. "As an all girls club, it's time we explain the finer parts of being a girl! Isa-chan!"

Embarrassed, Isane Kotetsu, clad in a tight nurse's outfit, came in and attached a diagram to the stand. "W-Well, there's only so much the academy can teach you. Has anyone ever suffered through….reoccuring symptoms?"

Blank stares.

"Y-You know…..um….something monthly?"

"Aunt Flo?" Rangiku hinted.

Blank stares.

"It involves…blood?" Nemu asked. Luckily she wasn't nearly as blunt as she used to be.

"It is the day of the month when your raw reiatsu comes in and attracts those filthy betas!" Rukia shouted, still in Hollow character. "Remember girls, only an alpha claims a beta!"

"Has she been reading those fanfiction things online again?" Nanao whispered to Nemu.

"Ohhhh, these girls really don't get it." Yachiru took a red marker and drew a chicken. Or at least it looked like one. "It's when you challenge your boyfriends to get a piece of their wings!"

"What on earth have you been teaching her?!" Nanao snarled.

Rangiku put her hands up. "Hey hey, it wasn't me! She probably overheard Ikkaku and Yumichika!"

 _"Periods!"_ Isane shouted, alarmed. "We're talking about periods! Yachiru, please leave the medical explanations to me!"

"Okay dokey!"

The teacher had officially given up at this point, electing to drink a bottle of sake and just put up with this insanity.

"Since we're a girls club, we keep secrets on a much more intimate level than with boys. Have anything to share? Feel free to express yourselves."

Momo mouthed "do NOT tell Rangiku anything", squealing when her senpai smacked her butt with the sword, demanding she cover her up to avoid being a delinquent like her.

Nanao mouthed "do NOT tell Yachiru anything", facepalming again when she decided to start drawing the whole barnyard on the board. I swear, these jokes write themselves.

"And another thing!" Rangiku smirked. "If you DO have a boyfriend, you get to share rabu rabu stories with us! Trust me, we all have boy experience. Who's been kissed?"

Every girl in the line-up raised their hands, albeit with some blushing.

"Hollows bite, they do not kiss!" Rukia shouted.

"Who's gotten to second base?"

Now only Retsu, Isane, Momo, Nemu, and Rangiku kept their hands up.

"Who's scored home?"

"Rangiku-san!" Nanao shouted, shocked. But she was more shocked when Retsu, Rangiku, and _Nemu_ still had their hands up.

"Home is referring to sexual coitus, yes?" Nemu asked, innocently.

"Sensei, what's coitus?" someone asked.

"That's when you draw this!" Yachiru made the curvy S thing for integration.

"That's _calculus!_ " Isane stuttered, blushing. "Rangiku-san, ask another question!"

"Hmph, fine! Who's done- _[the following section is omitted to protect those under the age of 18 in the audience. And those who would probably need some eyebleach after they ignore me and search it up anyway. Go ahead. Some freaky stuff.]_ -just me?"

Nanao's eyes were twitching.

Kiyone's mouth was foaming.

Retsu wished less people would be a delinquent like her.

Nemu was looking up terms.

"Ah ha!" Rukia grinned. "You see everyone, Hollows do _[repeat the same disclaimer]_ in order to claim superiority to their smexy betas!"

Kouhai Momo Hinamori tapped the Hollow's back and sighed. "How much yaoi have we been reading?"

"Yao-ay?" Yachiru asked, not understanding when Rangiku added a "y lmao" to complete the dank internet reference. "What's that?"

"That's enough!" shouted a new voice. "We are not turning this presentation into more of a joke than it currently is! Kiyone, wipe your mouth! Rangiku, wash your mouth! It's high time I fix this."

Soi Fon had arrived, dressed normally, barring one little thing….a pair of faux bee wings on her back.

XXXXXX

"The SWA meets every often in our clubroom, this place here." The speedy captain had placed a blueprint of the room in uestion on the stand "Here, Shinigami rank does not apply. You could technically be unseated and be able to command someone third-seat level."

"Every new member gets this!" Yachiru thrusted the classic rookie headband into the air. "And if you don't wear it, senpai punishes you!"

Retsu tapped her sword for emphasis.

"Or I just deny you candy. In fact, the entry fee is now 6.43 bars of candy!"

Nemu held up a calculator for emphasis.

"Don't you mean chocolate?" someone asked.

"Okay, now it's FIVE.43 bars!"

Kiyone leaned in. "N-No, Prez, you're supposed to go up."

"It's now **UP.** 43 bars!"

"So it's….5.86!" Soi said, turning around and smiling at her own joke. "I hope everyone has practiced their arithmetic. One needs their basic facilities to survive the SWA, as we do NOT take things lightly."

"We have debates," Nanao explained, as she put a new titlecard up. "And some of them can get heated in the leisure of our club. For example, we had to suspend our debate on time travel."

The students blinked.

"For instance, if we had a time machine, what would happen if we were to go back and stop Sosuke Aizen, our deceased enemy?" Nanao blinked. "…..oh no."

XXXXXX

"For the last time, time travel is paradoxical! Once you go back, you are eliminating the reason as to why you needed the machine in the first place!"

"Uh nuh! We'd kill Aizen, and get DOUBLE the members!"

"Technically it'd be ourselves. 1 times 1 is still 1."

The members were fiercely debating their positions on the board, with ten different handwritings on thrown across. Retsu's was the neatest while Yachiru's looked like a translator had been brutally stabbed with a rusty spoon.

"We'd just make ANOTHER Aizen! That, I would not allow!" Soi snapped.

"Captain's right! Some events cannot be changed!" Momo exclaimed. "Although I'd settle for stabbing him and squirting lemon juice into the wound." She got slapped with the sword. "Eek!"

"Kouhai is pure!" Retsu shouted. "Anyway, I would protect you all from Aizen's assault, so why do we need a time machine?"

"He's dead, senpai," Nemu replied. "Orihime-san beat him."

"O-Orihime! That's the girl that spoke to us!" the class gasped. "SHE'S part of the SOS Dan?!"

Yachiru, Nemu, Nanao, Kiyone, Isane, Soi, Rukia, Momo, Rangiku and Retsu all glared at the narrator for the blatant typo. So he fixed it. Not.

"Technically yes, but Orihime-san is still in the Living World."

"She's number #11! Every member gets a number. In fact, why don't we do our famous number pose song! Number one, tons of fun!"

"Number two, all I can do!" (Nanao)

"Number three, it's you and me!" (Kiyone)

"Number four, I want more!" (Isane)

"Number five, we're not a mind of hives!" (Retsu)

"Number six, we don't do tricks!" (Rangiku)

"Number seven, as lucky as the number that rhymes with devin!" (Momo)

"Number eight, don't be late!" (Nemu)

"Number nine, your friends are mine! (Soi)

"Number ten, nothing rhymes with ten!" (Rukia). Everyone gave her an odd look.

"Nen?"

"Ben?"

"Ken!" Yachiru added.

"….I can still wear the costume, right?"

"Moving on! We also have other members in our ranks, and it's very important that you all know that President gives nicknames," Nanao explained.

"That's right! I nickname everyone I know! Ukki, Shun-Shun, Izurin, Sunglasses-

**~10 MINUTES LATER~**

"-Tip Top, Reverse Midget-chan-"

**~50 MINUTES LATER~**

"-Red, Blue, Green-"

**~OVER 9000 MINUTES LATER~**

"-Bama, Drumpf, and Bern-chan. THEN we have-"

**~X Minutes Later (lowercase 'cause I honestly don't know)~**

"-And last but not least, Ken-chan! Any questions?"

Half of the class had been bored to sleep. The teacher was out cold.

"Alright girls…..it's time we finish our presentation with our Q/A finale! With the thing you all promised you would do for Christmas! And that's today!

"What?"

_"What?"_

"S-Senpai, I'm scared."

**SMACK**

"Ow!"

"Your panties have a bear on the butt, kouhai! That's even more deviant!"

"H-How?!"

What was Yachiru's wish, you ask?

XXXXXX

"Pass the vanilla."

Yachiru liked to spend time with her members, and she had saved enough SWA funds to do something…..odd.

The ten members were now all naked and sitting in a (brought in) pool of sugar water, while Yachiru was pouring as much of the white stuff (not what you rub on your teeth) as she could into the pool. Chocolate bars, ice cream, gum drops, and other stuff were the food of choice while they soaked. Rukia was getting jittery while Isane's stomach was starting to hurt.

"So girls, remember! The most important rule in the club is just go with flow! We'll take questions now to wrap up the presentation!"

Thankfully the class was all up, because the boys weren't quiet when they tried to barge in to see the rabu rabu parts. A kido spell from Nanao blocked the door.

"Um….you're all naked."

"That's not a question," Soi replied. "Detention for you!"

"No soup for you too!" Kiyone donned a fake mustache.

"I've got a question!" a girl asked. "W….What the hell was that?! How much of that was acting, and how much was you girls being yourselves?"

"42," Nemu replied. "Next question, please."

"Are Rangiku-san's boobs real?"

Rangiku looked offended. "As real as the tissues YOU use to stuff your bra, missy!"

"Why is Captain Senpai scrubbing Vice-Captain Kouhai's back?"

Isane laughed nervously. "They're committed to their roles."

"No I'm not!" Momo whined. "I don't even like pigtails! I look childish!"

"Be quiet and start looking moe, kouhai."

"For the record, her boobs are real too," Rangiku chimed in. "You, waaaaay in the back!"

"Hi kevin…"

"Hi loser!"

Yachiru giggled. "Come on, give a question to Ruki-Ruki!"

"Ummm…..are you okay, Kuchiki-san?"

"WhyyesthankyouI'mtotallyfineanyonegotmoresugarthisstuffisreallygoodandImeanREALLYgoodlikehaveyoutastedit?Justtastedrawsugarnomnomnomnom" Rukia ceased her babbling to pour more sugar down her throat.

"U-Um….it's nighttime. Shouldn't you gals be….b-back to your divisions?"

"Uhh….it is?" Yachiru squinted and looked out the tenth window she broke bringing over the supplies for the makeshift pool.

"It appears so, Yachiru. This did take us four hours to set up. You threw out the last two pools when you said the sugar ratio wasn't high enough," Nemu pointed out. The president was sitting on her lap.

"We have to pay for all of these windows, you know," Soi grunted, crunching on a candy cane.

"When our budget is near exhausted….. _again._ " Nanao rubbed her temples.

"TWENTY FOUR KARAT MAGIC! WHOO!" Rukia whooped, which was a complete non sequitur and I love boobies.

"Well!" Yachiru stood up, fire in her eyes. "There's only one thing to do! Blondie, pass me that empty cookie jar!"

When she got the small green jar in her small hands, her expression morphed back into the default Yachiru Kusajishi look.

"Can we get some donations? I mean, you guys are gonna join anyway, right?"

* * *

The SWA was never allowed to make an academy presentation ever again. Weirdly enough, the nudity, roleplaying, innuendos, and window smashing were small potatoes compared to demanding money from students.

But hey, everyone had fun. And that's what matters.

Cause rules are meant to be broken.

Believe it.

**FIN**

**Author's Note:**

> I've been craving the urge to do a one-shot, so have what my warped brain came up with. If you'd like me to do more (not just crack) one-shots for this universe, let me know. Some things could work outside the main story.


End file.
